Pride and revenge vs. humility and forgiveness

Proverbs 16:18. Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. I've learned a lot about forgiveness. When I was young I forgave people really easily. I think it was a combination of my faith and because I love having fun with other people. It was a choice I made because when you hold a grudge it weighs you down and gets in the way of creative freedom and joy. I loved that I forgave quickly and I think other people liked that about me too. I never understood why anyone would want to hold a grudge. It seemed so ugly, lazy and absurd to me to spend time and energy harboring hatred for someone when we all mess up. I never understood it until a string of events occurred in my personal life. I always felt the people who were close to me knew I loved them and would always forgive them. I'll never forget the night my Mom announced a temporary separation from my Dad. I sat on her lap in disbelief. I always knew that although we didn't have a lot of money in our family we were richly blessed with love, creativity and an abundance of joy together. As I sat on my Moms lap, I wept and begged and commanded her to promise me that she wouldn't get a divorce. My Mom told me she promised at she wouldn't. I took that as her concrete promise and felt instant relief. Then, what seemed liked a week later, my parents announced their divorce and my Dad moved out over night. I was gutted, stunned and very, very sad. I was very hurt and grew very angry as I felt betrayed by my own Mother who I thought was "safe" up until that moment. I tried to talk to her about it but as a single, working Mother of 4 children she didn't seem to have the time or capacity to comfort me. I remember going to school the next day and had a vision of myself going from a world of color, fun and good, solid friends to standing in a black and white motion picture in a line with other neglected children from broken homes waiting for our porage. (think Annie or the Little Princess). I remember being so hurt and angry at my Mom, that although I knew better than to hold a grudge, my pain, hurt and anger became stronger than logic. I took a conscious vow to rebel until I got her attention or hurt her like she hurt me. I started to ditch school and get into fights with friends at school. My heart began to harden because I wasn't getting the proper response I thought I should have gotten from my Mom. I started drinking during the day and then reached out to the rebellious crowd. They understood my self righteous rebellion. I found "comfort" in them and our mutual desires to live hard and fast destroying many things or people in our path. Mostly, we were content to hurt ourselves and escape the pain with drugs and other types of rebellion. I knew all long it was bad news. But because I chose this path of anger, unforgiveness, pride and revenge I kept getting deeper and deeper into rebellion and the darkness that comes along with it. I had a boyfriend and a best friend whom I thought I could trust. After all, they took me in when my Mom didn't pay attention to my needs. People would tell me they were both trouble and on a different wave length than me. I still had some good values instilled in me and chose to trust them and love them. My friend was always flirting with my boyfriend and it bothered me a lot. I use to talk to him about it and he would tell me I was "crazy". I began to doubt myself and believe them. After all, why would someone who loves me purposely deceive me? Then after about 4 years of this they did the deed. It gutted me and I fell hard. All I had left was my dependency on whatever new drug happend to be around and my deep wounds. I couldn't beleive that I couldn't rely on or trust anyone in my life. So I decided I needed to move out of the state to Oregon where a highschool friend of mine was living. I felt that if I removed myself from everything that hurt me it would help me get my bearings. A friend of mine in Oregon told me that I forgive too easily. I took that literally. So I decided, no more Mrs. Nice Girl. I took that hurt and chose Pride, my new best friend. I worked hard and partied hard but cut out the drugs. I drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney. I looked at men like a game and a challenge. To make a long story short, I created my self imposed cage of soulless destruction. It wasn't until I came back to God in my later 20's that I began to have real hope and peace again. But it's taken me a Long time to work my way out of the bondage of unforgiveness. It's been my biggest challenge so far. I understand why Jesus says to forgive 70 times 7 times. Matthew 18:22: Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times 7 times. We have to choose it Every time the "perpetrator" enters our hearts and minds. I'm getting more freedom all of the time from this. I've learned of the immense importance of this and have learned that although I Must forgive I don't have to have these people in my daily lives. My Mom and I have made a lot of progress, mostly because I chose to understand what she went through at that time and because I chose to forgive and bless her anytime the sting of that choice comes into my mind and heart.

On abuse...

Say God gives a brand new, well equipped Mercedes to 2 men.

One man, a man of Godly character, praises God for it. He cannot believe how blessed he is to receive it, even unearned. Every day he is grateful for it, loves it polishes it, enjoys driving it. It has a tiny scratch and he doesn't mind. In fact, he likes it because he knows it's his. The scratch makes it unique. A day never gos by that he is not astounded by its beauty and function. Even when he has to take to the shop to repair, he is happy to do it since he cares for it and wants to invest in its future.

Another man, without Godly character, gets the same car. He laughs sarcastically because he knows he doesn't deserve it. He picks up hookers and makes drug deals in this car. He laughs even more because he thinks he is such a pimp. It makes him prideful and arrogant. He think he is better than others because of his car. He doesn't take it to the shop when the car needs it, letting it breakdown. When it breaks down he kicks the car and resents it for being such a lemon. After all he wanted to make a drug deal!

Is the car any less worthy? Of less value? No. This reflects the character of a man and has nothing to do with the value of a car.